I often to wonder, did I deserve to be loved?

Can someone loves me just like how I will love them? 

Wondering and can't stop overthinking.

Tired of being positive all the time.

Sometimes, I will think negative and can't be positive. 

Yesss, tonight is where I can't stop thinking.

My past is haunting me back. The pain that remains was so unbearable and unforgettable. I keep on blaming myself. I mean, I can't stop wondering why did I become so stupid in choosing love, friends, and choice in my life. I can't be happy with myself; I only can blame and think of the bad things about myself, which is it'll make me even more sadder. I can't see the good in me, and at this moment I know that I don't love myself enough. It makes me think that no wonder people keep on leaving and don't love me because I am not loving myself. I expect and hope too much on someone because I want that person to stay. Stupid me think and trust that people love me when they actually not. I always thought that if I was being so understanding or being patient with someone, they will stay and choose to love me. But guess what, I was wrong. No matter how good I was towards someone, that person will choose whether they want to love or stay in my life. It's their choice, and not me. We can't force someone to be good to us, instead, they'll choose by themselves whether they want to be good to us or not. I often want to be happy but I don't love myself. I keep on letting someone hurts me because I love them too much. I was thinking that's okay if I was hurt as long as that person will stay.  I let them treat me wrongly and I still treat them nicely. I let them be selfish while I don't be a selfish person to my own-self. This is totally wrong, but I still stay being stupid. I know, silly me. 

I often being hard with myself. I choose to stay in a toxic relationship and friendship. I choose to tolerate and being nice with toxic people. I choose to be sad just to make someone else happy. I pity someone too much. They used to hurt me in the past or the present, but I still choose to be nice towards them. Sometimes, it's not good; because I'm the one who's hurting and I still can feel that pain someone gives. My heart was hurting too much, and I choose to ignore it. This is totally wrong, dear-self. I damage my own-self, too much. I'm the one who's letting everyone hurts me and stupid me wonder why did they hurt me. 

But now, I know. I should love myself to be happy. I can't be hoping someone to make me happy. The key to my happiness was my own-self and not someone else. Sometimes, it's okay to be selfish. For the seek of happiness, it's okay. Don't blame me after this; why I choose to make my happiness a priority. I will be more hard to other people. No matter how soft I was, I will try my best to be tough. No matter how many times I will cry, I will stay strong. I will not gonna let anyone make me unhappy and wondering about my presence. I will let those toxic people leave, and I will welcome those who are willing to love and stay with me sincerely. I will not let anyone make me sad anymore; instead, I will be happy with my own. No more letting other people make me sad or treat me wrong. I will love myself harder, and be happy to the fullest! 🎈 

I really appreciate those little things. 

to those who always ask me whether I'm okay or not,

to those who always give me a long or sweet text to make sure that I'll be okay,

to those who call late night and make me can't stop laughing or smiling,

To those who always make me happy, thanks.

May Allah SWT will repay all your kindness and shower all of you with endless happiness 💙

Salam kasih sayang, Aliss Wafa 💕