My own self; To understand and to be understand.
I have been pretending that I am OK. I have become
very good at hiding the way I feel from other people. The world doesn’t know of
my quiet sufferings and sacrifices. Perhaps, there’s no one who knows. Almost
all the time, I feel really sad and depressed. And during this time I cry all
the time for no reason (even now while typing) and can’t be bothered doing
anything. People don’t hear the muffled cries at night, they don’t hear the
thoughts that tear my mind apart, they don’t hear the words and whisper that
make me insane. They don’t hear my unheard cries that seek help.. They don’t
know that every time I cried, my breathing has been cut off. I can’t get the
full oxygen and I can’t breathe properly. I’m suffocating and drowning.. Silly
and stupid me even think about suicide like a lot..
It’s difficult to talk about it sometimes because I don’t know who would
understand or who can be trusted. Sometimes I wonder if there’s someone who’s
willing to hear and understand everything. I was so afraid of being judged,
scorned and ostracized. I just need someone to tell me that’s okay to be sad
and unhappy, it’s okay to cry over every single thing and it’s okay to be an
overthinking person. I need someone to tell me that; “It’s okay to be not okay, I got your back and you can cry as much as
you want. I’m going to be by your side, don’t worry.”
I feel so tired all of the time, even if I get
enough sleep but still, I will have bad headaches. I find it difficult to
sleep and sometimes wake up several times during the night with unstable breathes. Sometimes,
I just hope that I have amnesia and disappear from all of this pain and
suffering. People will never know how it felt. It hurts like hell and takes
time to heal. I choose to understand and be more understood towards my own
self. I don’t beg anymore. I don’t ask people to understand anymore, they can
choose to understand or not.
I fought so many silent battles. I had to humble myself,
wipe my own tears& pat myself on the back. Despite all of that, I choose to
be strong no matter how hard it’s. No one would understand me better than my
own self. My pain and suffering may seem like it will last forever, but I know,
one day I will heal. I’ll get out of the struggle that I’m in and finally will
step into prosperity. Everything that I’m going through is hard, yet necessary.
I’ll grow thru it. It’ll make me stronger and wiser. Keep going Aliss Wafa, you
can do it!
p/s; If someone says something hurtful to you or makes
you feel down on yourself, then you just need to stay positive and keep moving
forward because they might not know much about you, or they may not understand
the situation. Sooo, no matter what, be positive and always trust that Disebalik Sesuatu Ada Sesuatu. May Allah
will ease everything for all of us!
“Loving
and taking care of your own self before others.”
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