Afraid of getting hurt again; but I failed 💔💔
hi.
Have you ever had the feeling that you afraid of getting hurts or falling in love again because of your past? but you end up like someone or fall in love with him, and each day that feelings getting stronger... Again, you think you'll create your own nightmare.
ok honestly, lately i have so much things on my mind, all the thing that is important or not, I don't know.. its just that, I think, i start to like or love someone.. again, i make mistakes for falling in love again and the worst part is , i keep on repeating the same mistakes over and over again. this feelings; they don't want to vanish from my mind, they keep on making my mind& heart hurts..
this feelings make me sickk. I tried my best to forget everything, but as much as I tried to forget, this feelings is just unbearable. I have been so much weak. even weaker then before. I lost again. I've become a loser. My mind and heart won. I let this feelings getting bigger each day. this feelings; it's suffocating.
exactly, how can I let this feelings and everything getting bigger or stronger in a blink of an eye. Even after I've being hurts by someone. and the worst part is, I myself don't know what's the reason I being like this. out of sudden, I've become blind. Someone treat me well, give me a dozens of sweet text, care about me, and want to protect me from any bad things from happen, and again I fell into a "nightmare" that will hurts me in future. And again I just feel like I'm useless in everything, worthless and maybe that's why I always get hurt.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to feel. I'm helpless. I'm afraid. because my chest has a hole. I wonder where it all went wrong. this feeling and my worse memories or my past in my chest become bigger and makes I wake up in the middle of the night and cry. and I always sleep late every night because of the non stop 'negative thoughts' and this unbearable pains also this nonsense feelings. I can't sleep well at night because I'm afraid of getting hurts because of someone that I love more than I should be in my life. Again, I let myself love someone else more than they deserved.
no matter how hard I try to sleep, I just can't because it hurts me a lot. I just afraid if the same thing or my broken episode will be played again in my life. I just afraid if everything will be more worse then before. so I cover my whole body with blanket and cry under it. I cried in silent but I admit I cried so hard every day, I just hope the old or new pain and this nonsense feelings will disappear from my heart. I pretend I have a flu so that no one sees and knows I was crying. I keep everything in myself and wake up in the morning with my puffy eyes but hoping no one's gonna ask why. because I'm not ready to tell what happen. Bcs it hurts me a lot.
You never know how much I've been suffered from my past.
You don't know how weak I am after I've been dumped.
You'll never know how many times I've been trying to take suicide.
You don't even know how pathetic I am when all I do after break up is; crying.
After all, you will never know what I've been thru after I break up.
I'm afraid; that I will be more weaker and being dumped again like before.
So, if I treat you cold, I'm really sorry. I afraid of everything.
My memories and my past; makes me more phobia to fall in love again.
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